Part 1
When you examine the various Christian denominations, you find that the similarities between them are far greater than the dissimilarities. I would liken it to comparing siblings—though each child has his own unique personality and appearance, it is obvious that they all share the same lineage.
The liturgy tends to be the most striking resemblance, and all churches follow a similar format.
Any deviation from this schedule will cause eyebrows to raise, murmuring in the isles, and will likely elicit an angry comment or two. We all know a version of “Sister Bertha Betterthanyou”[i] who will happily offer her unsolicited sentiments regarding that thoughtless young preacher unleashing a traveling evangelist upon them when he knows the big game starts at noon and she has a roast in the oven.
The average church service goes something like this: upon arrival you enter the vestibule and receive a bulletin, and in some cases also the pastor’s notes for the Sunday sermon. From there, you find a place to sit in the sanctuary, being ever mindful not to sit in assigned seating. Yes, we all know those territorial blue hairs who will give you the ole stink eye if you take their seats.
The choir, or praise team as they are called in those other churches will take the stage in preparation for worship. Members of a choir are generally more laid back and solemn, while the praise team more closely resembles a group of professional musicians, maybe even a rock band in some churches. The function of each, whether they be exuberant or saturnine, is to put forth a valiant effort in leading the congregants in a song or two. This task is next to impossible seeing that many attendees could not carry a tune in a bucket; invariably though, a few will be able to make at least a fair showing of following the songs.
The preacher then takes the stage and welcomes parishioners as well as any visitors. Visitors always stand out quite conspicuously, and even though they may try to blend into the crowd, you can count on the pastor identifying and pointing them out. He will then address current events such as new babies, meetings of various groups, pending pot luck dinners, and if it happens to be during an election cycle, his own opinions on candidates and propositions will be included in his opening greeting with an admonishment to vote his way, which one can infer is how Jesus would also vote. The parishioners are then given another shot at singing as an additional song follows the pastor’s announcements.
A call for the collection of offerings comes next, which simultaneously actuates several men to rise up from their seats. This group will then proceed to the front of the church, take up platters or small buckets, and then walk down the aisles collecting monies from attendees. Failure to acquiesce to this peer pressure may result in that stink eye thing again from fellow church goers.
After the offering is secured, another song is sung and the preacher takes the mount again to give his sermon. He may lugubriously confess to the congregation that he has worked on his address all week, which only the dense would not discern contains an embedded plea for the audience to pay attention. However, within minutes of beginning his weekly oration the majority of the congregation assumes that glassy eyed appearance common to those who are bored, sleepy, or are wondering if they left the stove on when they left the house. Most of those not falling into one of the aforementioned categories, may be watching the podium but have absolutely no idea what the pastor is talking about. As he closes his talk, wives begin elbowing husbands to wake them up and members of the choir do the same to those seated next to them, and in those other churches, the praise team clambers up on stage once again.
The choir or praise team then leads worshippers in another song, and then the service is brought to a close. The people file out, shaking each other’s hands, all the while trying to remember each other’s names. Most will also shake the preacher’s hand and congratulate him on yet another great sermon, knowing that even if they did understand what he was saying, they won’t remember a thing about it by midafternoon. Once they make it to the parking lot, they enter their vehicles and along with everyone else from the congregation, begin a localized version of the Indy 500, and try their level best to beat those attending the more charismatic churches (those other churches) to the local greasy spoon for lunch.
While I may have taken a few liberties and even added an embellishment or two for the sake of good storytelling, I believe most would agree, that this is the normal experience of a church service.
And it breaks my heart.
Oh, how far we have strayed from what He intended the Church to be.
C. Klingle
To be continued…
[i] Ray Stevens, The Mississippi Squirrel Revival
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