Curtis Klingle

(just a few for the sake of a good story)

I went to the local Walmart a few mornings ago to pick up some supplies. It seems I had either unknowingly developed a sensitivity to our laundry detergent, got into poison ivy, or a large family of red bugs had decided to move into my nether regions. Regardless of the source, I was in distress and was in need of something to stop the inexorable itching!

So, as I was saying, I drove to the local Walmart and as I pulled into the parking area, I noticed a man seated on the sidewalk. This fella was an older man, probably in his late 50s or early 60s. He was clean shaven, well dressed, and appeared to be generally good natured. I’d never seen him before and quickly surmised that he wasn’t a native. One must really make an effort to miss new faces in such a small town.

As I stepped out of the patrol unit, I saw that the man was looking my way and I sensed an impending question; even I am sometimes surprised by my extra sensory abilities. Not to be disappointed, the man asked, “Officer, can I ask you a question?”

Believe me, when in uniform you get that question a lot and it is often a harbinger of something that defies logic or common sense. The subsequent question can run the gamut from something just plain stupid like, “How many miles over the posted speed limit is against the law?” My usual response is to just look at them in disbelief that they let that escape their mouth. Or, it may venture into the philosophical like, “What do you think about the flat earth hypothesis?” To that I always respond, “I don’t.” I will add that just when I think I’ve heard it all, well, I find out I haven’t. Sorry, I know that was a digression.  

Thus, intrigued at the man’s introductory question, I responded, “Why yes sir, you certainly may ask me a question.”

He looked at me very seriously and began to speak, “Officer, you may think this is silly, but I am very concerned.” 

“Go ahead sir. Let’s see if I can help.” Of course, in my mind I’m thinking, “Yep, it’s definitely going to be silly with that preamble. It always is.”

“Okay, I noticed that your car has decals on the side stating that you are a Madison County Sheriff.”

“Yes sir.”

“Well, earlier I saw a car come through the parking lot that had lettering on it identifying the patrol car as a city police unit. I also noticed that your car as well as other police vehicles often have decals on them with things like, ‘Call 911,’ ‘Support Crime Stoppers,’ or the phrase, “In God We Trust,” which I think is a wonderful thing by the way.”

“Yes sir.”

“Well, as I watched that city car driving by, I noticed a sign on it which greatly upset me. I am even now still a bit shocked. There in six-inch bold letters was the proclamation, ‘Stand Back!’ I must admit I was utterly flabbergasted when I saw it. I was shocked that an admonishment of that sort would be on a police car! I live fairly close by and always enjoy coming to Madisonville. I find the country folk here to be very kind and friendly. It always brightens my day to visit here. But I must tell you, when I saw that ‘Stand Back’ sign, well sir, I was genuinely offended. Why in the world would a policeman not want people approaching him? Why would he want people to “Stand Back?’ It really upsets me that we have not only a member of the community, but one that is supposed to be protecting us as well as serving us being plain old rude, if not contrary. Why would he do that?”    

I immediately found myself in a quandary. Here I was with this, shall we say, “surprising” question drifting in the ether before me; a query that came wrapped in a prime opportunity which was beckoning me to grab ahold and have a bit of fun. All this while I was simultaneously being bombarded by my conscience not to do it, just to let it go and be nice. Alas, temptation got the better of me, and I went with the former. In my own defense I ask you, “Did he or did he not ask for it?”

All of this neural activity occurring between my ears happened in a split second. I quickly turned away from the man to remove any hint of mirth from my face and believe me, there was a lot to conceal. It took everything in me not to just burst out laughing. When I was able to quench the impending explosion of laughter, and had sufficiently dowsed the mischief brewing in my eyes, I collected myself and turned back to the man.

I conjured up my most serious face, and as I looked directly at him his eyes told me he was expecting the utmost in sincerity. Being a highly skilled purveyor of the finest of barnyard fertilizers, I intended to deliver as large a pile of said fertilizer as sincerely as I could.

I said, “I must apologize to you sir. You are correct that most of the folks around here, including the local law enforcement are very kind and friendly by nature. Most of us enjoy interacting with the public and performing little acts of kindness. What is more, we enjoy the conversations and receiving those reciprocal acts of kindness from members of the community. We all do, well, all of us except for that fella you saw earlier with the “Stand Back” sign on his car. You see, that guy is just plain grouchy. We keep him locked in the office most of the time and we don’t even let him out much anymore. But there is the rare occasion when he does get loose. Dispatch told me he had escaped the office and was last seen around this area which, of course, is why I am here, trying to find him. He doesn’t like people at all and has been known to make snide, even rude comments and there have been incidents where he has even bitten people, hence the sign that warns folks to “Stand Back.” So, if you should ever encounter him again, if I were you, I’d do as that sign instructs and just “Stand Back.”

The man thanked me, and I watched as what looked like sadness creep into his face. I turned to walk away and actually took a step, then two, but then I sensed that conscience had not given up the fight after all. The mischievous grin that had made an appearance as I turned away from him, abruptly left my face as I surrendered to that formidable foe: conscience. A deep sigh escaped my lungs as I slowly turned back to the fella. The man looked at me questioningly as I asked his forgiveness for having a bit of fun with him. I explained that the “Stand Back” signs were not because the officer was obnoxious or didn’t like people, those signs were a warning that there was a K9 unit in the vehicle. If he had approached the car, the dog would have begun barking and would have likely scared the stuffing out of him, but contrary to what I had just told him, he would not have encountered a capricious cop. I watched as the dawning light of understanding began to gleam in his eyes. He smiled, as did I, and as I turned to walk away, I thanked him for the good laugh and let him know that I would be telling this story every chance I got. 

My contact with poison ivy or red bugs or whatever it was, had put me on the path of destiny. I was destined to enlighten that poor soul and correct his misunderstanding. That man might have wandered around the rest of his life thinking every police unit that had the words, “Stand Back” on it were a warning that there was some crusty old cop seated in the car. As always, I am glad to be of service to my fellow man, but you have to admit, it would have been funny leaving him in his former state, for at least a bit anyway.   

C. Klingle