Curtis Klingle

Encounter with Miss Sue

I ran into a dear friend a couple of weeks ago who I had not seen in a while, and as time has a way of slipping by, we had lost touch over the last few months. I was very happy to see her and was smiling ear to ear. Just being in her presence has always elicited a smile. I asked how she had been, and I watched as her countenance abruptly changed. She replied solemnly that she had recently lost her husband of many years. I knew he had been sick but had no idea he had passed. I expressed my condolences and apologies for my ignorance, and I inquired how she was doing. She stated she was doing alright, thanked me for my concern, and then inquired how things were going for me. She asked about work, my writings, and commented on how many of my essays had touched her life. With a smile on her face and a bit of mischief in her eyes, she even took a jab at me about how she sometimes felt convicted when reading them. We talked for several minutes and then parted ways. I continued on with my errands, smiling and with a much lighter heart, all due to Ms. Sue. Several minutes passed before it struck me; she had, unbeknownst to me, adeptly switched the topic of our conversation from her and her own loss, to me and the goings on in my life. She had taken a somber moment and spun it on its head and caused it to metamorphosize into one of encouragement for me. While I should have been the one giving encouragement and bringing joy, she had turned the tables and placed the focus upon me.

I have been contemplating that encounter and I am still baffled by it. That monumental word “selflessness” keeps coming to mind. It is as if it is affixed to a billboard sign and is illuminated by flashing and revolving multi-colored lights, accompanied by the opening four notes of Beethoven’s 5^th Symphony blaring so loudly it hurts my ears. I cannot escape it, and I seem to encounter this lesson over and over again. I struggle with this ideal, and I so want it to be a reality in my life. I encounter examples of selflessness repeatedly and I must wonder at times whether I am experiencing them more than others. It seems my Creator is trying His level best to drive this one home. Lord help me.  

I lost a cousin last fall to cancer. His suffering was great and lasted for weeks, but it was minuscule compared to what his widow went through, and is still experiencing. The few times that I was able to interact with her I could see the strain and weariness caused by the burden she was carrying. I never heard a single complaint regarding her own wellbeing, and she would undoubtedly chasten me for even calling it a burden. I watched that gentle woman walk through that trial stoically, all the while she poured love out in an endless stream. I witnessed her give selflessly to him.

I have a dear friend who is going through reconstructive surgeries due to the effects of a disease. What amazes me is her gratefulness to arrive where she is today, both healthy and happy. I cannot imagine the physical and emotional pain she has endured through it all. We have talked many times about her journey, the surgeries, the treatments, and the emotional toll. I have never heard her complain or question “why” she had been afflicted. There is in some sense an appreciation for what she has gone through. Instead of complaints or self-pity, what I have witnessed is the joy she has when the opportunity to counsel and encourage others arises as they go through the same horrors she has experienced.

Another friend of many years adopted her granddaughter a few years ago. To take on such an immense task is beyond me. She had already raised her children, now she would be starting over from square one. I consider myself fortunate to have witnessed the interaction between her and her child, and I dare say, I cannot recall ever seeing greater love or devotion between human beings. When I have asked my friend about their relationship and the love she has for that little girl, the response I have received is, “She is my world.”  

A man I love and admire has been battling cancer since last fall. I have watched him evolve into something new, a different person, one closer to God. During one of our recent conversations, he remarked that he was feeling sorry for himself one day when he was in the hospital. He took a stroll down the hallway and was moved by all of the suffering around him. It seemed every room yielded a person under the oppression of some sort of malady. He was struck by how many of the afflicted were children. It was here, while witnessing those kids enduring their own pain and suffering that he received an epiphany. (I use that word in the context of a manifestation of Christ’s love, which is its original meaning.) It was at that moment that he decided he didn’t have it so bad after all. His faith through this has grown exponentially, and I can visibly see the love of Christ in him. I want to be near him and I take every opportunity to do so in order to bask in that love. I want to know what he knows. I ask questions incessantly and what has struck me the most is how when I probe his suffering he will shift the conversation to his favorite topics: his God, his family, but primarily his wife. His love and admiration for her is remarkable. It is rare to see that degree of love between the sexes. I am so touched by how little concern he has for himself, and how great it is for his wife and others. One last thing, he said something to me during one of our visits that sticks in my head like a fishhook. I asked if he had something to summarize what he has learned, he said, “Curt, this is the best worst thing in my life.”

It seems I encounter this thing called “selflessness” again and again. All of these are examples of people in my own life living this way, and I am sure you have many of them too. I do not think it as simple as some would say, “You just do what you have to do.” No, that is too flippant, that does not account for what I would define as the transcendental changes which take place in these people. No, there is much more to it than that. Exactly how does one make this giant leap from concern for one’s self, grief over the loss of a loved one, or being in the midst of suffering, to focusing upon others? When I think about the times that I have experienced the loss of a loved one, it is as if there is some great chasm between me and the rest of the world. I find it next to impossible to connect with another person. And it doesn’t take anything so extreme as a death to separate me from others or make me shift the spotlight onto myself either. Let me not have slept well and awaken a bit off, or maybe stub my toe on my way to the coffee pot, and oh lord, I will have you know that things change quickly then! Let anything out of the norm occur in my world and I can assure you that the planet will certainly stop spinning on its axis.

I think sometimes about when K was sick and how I was at moments, completely immersed in her wants and needs. I found fulfillment in serving her in those times, and it seems I didn’t think much of myself at all. However, I also recall the times when I would retreat into myself and was resistant to her, not just resistant, but resentful. Oh, the horror I can be! I suspect part of this is probably because of a state of near constant conflict we were in, however, even in that state one should be able to rise above it and provide for the other. I cannot help but wonder if there is something broken in me that inhibits this ability that these others have.

As I looked at my examples I tried to determine if there was an identifiable factor among them. What makes them different than I? As I explored this, I deduced that yes, there most assuredly is a common thread. It seems that each of my friends has gone through a crisis. It was in the crisis that they learned to be selfless. I peered back in my memory to all who I have known and assigned the moniker of selfless to. What I discovered is that all who have risen to the level of selflessness, have been in some sort of crisis. They have been pushed to the limit and tested, and refined by the fire. They have come out the other side changed, better, closer to being perfected. It is frightening to me to think of the alternative in which one fails the crisis or test. What happens when you fail? If I were to fail the testing of the crisis, what would become of me?

I cannot, but help think that others, possibly all struggle with these things. To be selfless goes against our very nature, after all, human beings are inherently selfish. I know from viewing those that have passed the test that they have grown to be something more, more Christlike. Any advancement in that direction has to be beneficial, not only to us individually, but to all we interact with.

I cannot help but question how I would respond should I have to face the things that they have had to endure. How would I respond? How would I respond with the loss of a loved one now? What would be my reaction to the diagnosis of cancer or some other horrid disease? Would I react with grace, or simply rail against God at my own misfortune? Would I learn about selflessness or become angry and withdraw? If my goal is to achieve Christlikeness then I would think I would respond in the affirmative, but there is no guarantee. This is all hypothetical, and all of this is talk. Things would undoubtedly change were I to be placed in one of those types of crises.

I no longer compare myself to others, that is one lesson I learned long ago, but with one exception: I still look to others to see where I weigh in regarding love and selflessness. These people in my examples are rare. It seems this small group have learned some lessons in which I have yet to receive tutelage. It is either that, or I am too dense to realize the lesson has been before me. I must admit, though I want to know love and selflessness the way they do, I am not sure I want to learn it the way they did, in fact, I can pronounce an emphatic “No!” to that. I have no desire to suffer.  

From all I have learned and experienced, the real self, the true self comes out in times of stress and crisis. As I look at the lives of those I have used as examples I can see that all have been placed under the stressors of a crisis and have responded well. They have looked death, pain, and suffering in the eye and embraced each of them. In most situations the way I react to stress, or stimuli, even that bearing only a slight resemblance to what they have experienced, the appearance of the true self leaves much to be desired. I seem to fall far short of the ideal I so long to achieve.

As I continue to ponder this, and believe me it is always on the forefront of my mind, I think most of the time I am straddling the proverbial fence in this area of life. What’s on one side is the life I currently live which we can term selfish. On the other side is a new life, the one I seek, termed selfless. We all know how painful straddling a fence can be. It is not only uncomfortable, but you get absolutely nowhere. You must cross the fence, in order to continue on the journey. I do fully realize that were I to ever swing that leg over the fence and cross over onto the side of selflessness, then I would experience some sort of death. To become selfless, one has to kill off selfishness. All of my pride and ego left behind on the other side of the fence.

It is frustrating to me to know that all I need do is swing that one leg over and the lesson will be learned. I know which side of the fence I’m supposed to be on, but why is it so damned hard?!

Where does one find the courage?

C.Klingle