Curtis Klingle

If there is a single litmus test of the heart and one that can also bring about self-awareness, it can be found in our relationships. What are those relationships like? How many are truly intimate? How much love is shared in them? What level of trust is there? Is there any level of guardedness in those relationships? The evaluation of your answers will testify if there is something amiss.

As I began to ask myself those questions, I rapidly discovered that if this is indeed a way to gauge my heart and assess my own character (self-awareness), then I am a far cry from what Jesus intended. While I do have several intimate relationships, I do not believe that they are near the level of that which Jesus desires. It causes me to pause and to wonder.

As I peered into the past, the reason for this lack becomes evident. In my own life I have left behind a wake of destruction. A glimpse into my past and will find a concatenation of broken relationships. I seemingly excel at hurting others and that certainly doesn’t sound very Christlike to me. In my own defense I will exclaim, “I didn’t mean to!” But the fact that something injurious occurred because of my words or deeds with the root being some want or desire of my own, only serves as evidence of my guilt. As I follow this line of thought it leads me into introspection of the “me” operating this human machine. After all, he is the one defiling my relationships.

When I open the gateway to my soul, I find things I do not like. The fact is, I really do not like that other fella very much at all. I find him to be of ill repute and lacking in any real moral fiber. I feed him, clothe him, and take care of him, but I do not care for his company. I find him to be self-centered, arrogant, prideful, and I have come to abhor his very presence. He is the polar opposite of what Christ demands of His disciples.  

I waste so much energy trying to get to know him who shares this body with me. It really is a waste, because he really has no desire to know me. He is allusive and deceitful. His sole concern is with himself. There does not seem to be room for anyone else. It seems every choice, every decision, all concerns are based on his wants and his desires; all of those at the detriment of others. Even in those rare moments when I see him perform acts of kindness in what appear to be genuine displays of love, I find them to be fallacious, at the most, ephemeral. He appears to be oblivious to anything good. The good things I want him to do, he refuses to do, but the bad things, those are what he seems to find his greatest pleasure in. It seems the more insensitive, the more aggressive, the more perverted, those things contrary to good decisions, those are the actions he takes.

I cannot tell you how many times I have asked God why he gave this insolent creature to me. I find him to be abhorrent. His spirit wreaks of the malodourous. He is intolerable. Anything good perceived in him is an illusion. So why, why must I continue to try to build a relationship with him? Why must I always be the one who encourages him and guides him? Why do I have to constantly pick him back up after he falls on his face? He does not learn! He refuses to do what is right! Lord! Why couldn’t you have given me someone at least halfway tolerable to deal with?! “Who will save me from this body of death?!” (Rom. 7:24)

What Jesus revealed to me was liberating. I don’t need to care for him any longer, in fact, I should just set him aside. Walk away from him and never look back. I should ignore his pleas for help and reconciliation. Just walk away. He will either submit to Christ, or he will wither and die. In fact, he will die whether he submits or not. If he submits, he will die to self. His pride and self-centeredness will be destroyed. It is only after this process that he becomes who he was intended to be. When the old self has died, then the real self in Christ can arise. Then, and only then, will he begin to live.

If he refuses to submit, then all he knows will be drawn into himself. Whatever capacity he may have had for love will be taken from him. All he is will be locked inside the box of his soul where no love, no light, no air can penetrate. Here he will endure a durance vile of his own creation. In there, in the dark, he will become putrid and mephitic. His cold hard heart will become an abortion, an anathema, something that can never gain admittance into heaven. Have no pity for him! For he has no desire for the things of God, he is resigned to hell, and the destination was his choice alone.

Self-awareness is rooted in just that, the self. The main benefit of introspection and self-awareness for the Christian, is that it enables us to fully recognize our fallen nature. We will never fix the problem ourselves. Ever. It is a soul sickness, which makes it something we can never get at. It is at a level that only Christ can reach. Self-awareness will lead to self-pity, and anything that causes me to shift my focus primarily upon myself will never end well. Our focus is always meant to be on Jesus and those He has called.

It is my relationship with Jesus that connects me to others and nourishes those relationships. It is only as I submit to Him consistently and continuously that those relationships grow. The more Christlike I become, the more the true self is revealed. It is only the true self that can form intimate relationships, and in those we find no flippancy, no falsehood, only openness. It is His love flowing in me and through me into the lives of others.

Oswald Chambers wrote, “Jesus says, ‘Come to me…and I will give you rest,’ that is, Christ-awareness will take the place of self-awareness.”

C. Klingle