Curtis Klingle

A Day in the Life

I thought I’d provide a satirical situation with you in the patrol car driver’s seat this week. Dear Reader rest assured; I have been on calls that are nearly identical to this farcical fiction presented.

You awaken to normal morning stuff: face washing, brushing of teeth, shaving, and copious amounts of coffee. You change out of your Spiderman jammies and don your uniform. It is now 5AM.

Calls for service are initiated when someone notifies dispatch of a problem or need that has arisen. These can range from the, well, just plain stupid, to those very serious in nature.

Dispatch radios you that Joe and Edna, a pair of ne’er do wells who, to the good fortune of the rest of humanity never procreated, are at each other’s throats yet again. Edna called to declare that Joe hit her. This type of call is categorized as a priority and is considered domestic violence.

Upon arrival you find the duo in the front yard. Both have a general disheveled look about them but upon reflection, you determine that they always seem to have that appearance. As you open the door of your patrol car these model citizens greet you with a plethora of profanity laced inquiries about why it took you so long to get there, plus a myriad of proclamations of just how evil and vicious their counterpart is. You note that both have bloody noses and each have blood on their hands, including the area of the knuckles, fitting the criteria of what we refer to as a “clue.” While we can’t go into much detail because of word count limitations, suffice to say that the intelligences received from either party are, well, not so intelligent but they are very incriminating. The synopsis it seems is that Edna made fish sticks for breakfast and Joe was vociferously less than grateful. Edna became incensed and smacked Joe across the bridge of his nose with a cast iron skillet, to which Joe retaliated with a right cross to Edna’s nose. This culminated in for want of a better term, a free for all on par with that witnessed between two rabid raccoons, (Can you hear David Attenborough’s commentary in the background?).

Being that this is a regular occurrence between this capricious couple you decide that both will be arrested for assault and taken to jail. They are relatively compliant during the arrest procedures, although you are constantly verbally assailed during it and the subsequent 13-minute journey to the jail. It seems that both Joe and Edna were present at your conception, and you were indeed conceived out of wedlock. Oh, and as luck would have it, both are apparently adept intelligence quotient assessors and you my friend, are far below average.

Upon arrival at the jail, Joe and Edna have received their second wind and the afore mentioned verbal assault, which by the way had waned a bit, now resumes. Their not so complimentary orations regarding your wits, in addition to their shared subjective views that you should consider losing weight, especially in the gluteus maximus region of your anatomy elicits laughter from jail staff who have come out to meet you and these pillars of the community inside the sally port (This is a secure section through which the jail may be entered). Joe and Edna are escorted inside. It is almost a certainty that you will need to seek some sort of self-esteem rebuilding program after this one.

Once inside you begin booking procedures which include gathering information regarding each party’s address, phone number, emergency contact, place of birth, date of birth, and including a summary of today’s festivities which led to their arrest. You will also submit a probable cause statement which describes the events in detail including the elements of the offense that they are being charged with which is family violence assault, a class A misdemeanor. Joe and Edna are then provided with matching, and I might add, very fashionable green and white striped jumpsuits, and orange plastic slippers. Of course, Edna gripes about the jumpsuit stripes being horizontal and that they are not very complimentary to her figure. You assure her that she is the epitome of a runway model exhibiting the latest fashion in penal attire.  

Once the booking is complete, you return to your patrol unit and prepare to go on your next call for service. This will continue for the duration of your 12-hour shift.

Also, please understand, there is nothing humorous about authentic domestic violence, nothing. You harm your wife, or your husband and we will lock you up post haste for it. Guaranteed.

C. Klingle