Curtis Klingle

Facebook Post- September 10, 2023

“We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them, and they have changed since then. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.” T.S. Eliot

I came across Eliot’s quote a few weeks ago. I was struck by its simplistic yet profound implications, and how Eliot succinctly described our walk through this life. We are all changing, we are in a constant state of flux. I found upon reflection, that we are indeed a conglomeration of memories. Memories in time are what we are comprised of.

We are each in a continuous mode of change, and there is nothing stagnant in the human life. We are either moving forward and onto something better, a higher plane of existence, such as becoming more like Christ, or we are digressing, slowly devolving into something worse, something foul, something putrid. The still pond does not exist. Each of us is like a river, eternally flowing. The question is, what is our river carrying downstream?

I believe we can infer from Eliot’s words that there are two types of strangers and they can be distinguished by the amount of time that has elapsed between us and them. When I think about how we are ever changing, what is really curious to me is that we can detect the slightest changes in one of these strangers from our distant past. Though we may not be able to identify the specific change, we can still see something is different, or we at the very least, sense it. Think for a moment of a friend you may not have seen for several months or years. When you encountered them again, did you not take note that they had somehow changed? They were the same person in a sense, but they were also somehow more.

However, in those that are closest to us, our most intimate of relationships, our most familiar of the strangers, the changes that have taken place in them seem to remain invisible to us. Why? I think some of the reason is proximity; we are too close. We interact with them daily; thus, we are blind to those minute changes that take place in them moment by moment. But I don’t think it is that we are blind really, but instead we have put our blinders on. What has happened is we have donned the blinders of familiarity, and as much as we would vehemently deny it, we most assuredly take our closest strangers for granted. We are all guilty of it and to our own shame what follows is viewing them as the mundane. The adage, “familiarity breeds contempt” comes to mind. Do bear in mind though that there are those “Aha!” moments in which we perceive something new in them, but those moments are sparingly few.

We see the world and those around us through a flawed lens. The glass is warped and distorted and the images that come through are tainted by our expectations and our insecurities. This is especially evident in our intimate relationships. Rather than seeing the reality of things, our expectations and insecurities adulterate everything we view. When those we love do not meet those expectations, disappointment and frustration can transmogrify into ugliness and hatred. When this transformation occurs, the pits of hell are opened and the filth of our disdain spews forth upon them. Should we not in these, our most intimate relationships, be the gentlest and most patient? But to the contrary, it is in these that we are the most callous, and sometime even cruel.

We are fickle creatures. One second, we love and the next we hate. In one moment, we are happy, elated beyond all description, and the next we are filled with depression and anxiety. One moment we are worthy of sainthood, or at least the appearance of it, and in the next we show the world that we are nothing more than emissaries of the devil himself. We are contradictions, each of us are a confusing mass of ever undulating emotions. We truly are tossed about on the sea.

We are each a construct of memories. As we age and look back upon the memories of our lives, we do at least attempt to think about the happiness, the love, and the successes we have experienced. However, the human mind has a bent towards the negative, and in some ways, this is a good thing. It causes us to analyze and to reason, and think about the consequences of our actions. The difficulties, the sadness, the grief, and the failures we have experienced are part of us and what we find is that these in this latter group are almost always self-induced. We suffer more at our own hand than from anyone else. We are strangers even to ourselves. It reminds me of a story about the “5th Column.” The term originates from the Spanish Civil War. Rebel general Emilio Mola sent four columns to attack Madrid, but declared that the city would fall, not so much by the actions of those columns, but by a fifth which was hidden within the city. The 5th column would ensure the fall of the city from the inside. And I see this is what happens to each of us. We are attacked from without, and on most occasions though damaged, our city walls remain intact. But the fifth column within each of us, our expectations and insecurities bring about our ultimate demise; our city walls fall. We each pave the way for our own destruction.

This devastation is typically in the form of broken relationships with those intimate strangers among us. We are all in a constant state of flux together, yet it is here, in our closest relationships where we fail the worst. Some perceived wrong or a genuine one, brings about foiled expectations. Remember, we see things through that skewed lens of expectations and insecurities.

I do believe we can repair this lens through which we view our strangers, at least to some degree. If expectations and insecurities are what cloud our view, then the lens must be cleansed of these debris. Expectations are just that, what we expect. Often times we don’t even vocalize them; we just believe that everyone should know them. It is unfair and opens the door to misunderstandings and arguments, which in turn leads to resentment, and ultimately to hatred. Thus, the first step is to analyze whether the expectation is reasonable, and if so, let your most intimate strangers know about it. Bear in mind that they will likely fail, and when that occurs, you must forgive and move on. There has only been one Perfect Human on this planet and let us never forget, that Being isn’t you or me.

Insecurities are always rooted in the past, and most often in childhood. One of my favorite quotes regarding this topic comes from the movie “Hope Floats.” In one particular scene, Sandra Bullock’s character declares that, “Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to get over.” There is so much truth in that statement. If you assess the insecurity what you will find is that it is a lie. It is always a lie. It is a false perception that came through trauma. Always. When I think about what it means to lie, I almost always think of the serpent and Eve. What follows is the adage that states, “there is always a nugget of truth,” which I find to be problematic. That adage implies that the lie is on the exterior and the truth is hidden within. I think human beings are much more perceptive than that adage implies. If the lie is on the outside then it would be unappealing. Imagine an apple, the skin is battered and bruised, and some superficial rot is present. No one is going to want a bite of that apple. However, let’s say we have an apple of which the skin is beautiful and perfect. There is not a blemish on it and you can even anticipate its taste. However, unbeknownst to you, a worm has gotten inside. It gained entry near the stem and his entrance is undetectable. The inside is now rotten, decayed, and the worm has left a wake of foulness behind. No, the lie is on the inside. The enemy will cover the lie with the truth. It is only after the apple has been bitten that the lie is exposed, but by then the foulness and rottenness is inside you. Isn’t that exactly what the serpent did? So, when you recognize that it is a lie, treat it as such. Destroy it. Cast its filth off of you. I have come to believe that some insecurities can be healed, even left behind, while others can and often do remain with us throughout our lives. Some are so deeply rooted in our psyche that we cannot get at them. However, I will state with all certainty and conviction that even those can be healed when they are completely surrendered to Christ. “Souls are made sweet not by taking the acid fluids out, but by putting something in; a great Love, a new Spirit, the Spirit of Christ. Willpower does not change men. Time does not change men. Christ does.” Henry Drummond, The Greatest Thing in the World

While our expectations and insecurities are going to wage battles that will test our metal, the most difficult battle will be waged in the realm of proximity. Because we are close to our strangers, we will take them for granted. This comes via the normal day to day routine and familiarity. With this one, there will be required an even greater act of the will and submission to Christ. He is our example. Let us recall that He spent nearly every waking hour in the service of others. Of greater importance in relation to proximity is the example He gave us with the 12. For three and a half years He was with these men. Even by the limited scripture accounts we can discern that these men would try one’s patience. Just imagine all of those things that are not written about them that He had to be patient with. Carry this further and think about yourself. Is He not patient with each of us? I know for myself, I encounter the most irritating person I know every morning in the mirror.

As I ponder these things, I return to the beginning. We are products of our memories. I see that this idea of memories can be taken to an even higher level. When we leave this world, it is only our memories that we take with us. All of those strangers we have encountered in this life, especially those strangers under our own rooves have deserved so much more from us. If we are indeed as scripture tells us, Immortals, should we not begin interacting with each other in a way worthy of that? If it is only our memories that follow us into the next life, shouldn’t we treat each other better? I would think we would want to ensure that the memories of another’s life in which we play a part, that those are indeed cherished memories for that person. How will they remember me? What kind of legacy I am leaving behind? It is our memories of those we have loved, those we have snubbed, those we have been cruel to, those we have hated, that we carry with us and will give an accounting for. Each of us will give a review of our life, and it is from our memories that the accounting will come. We shall see each other again one day, I would hope that when we strangers meet again, that it will be with genuine gladness and joy.

I close with my favorite quote, which is in the same vein as our strangers. These words have haunted me since I first encountered them many years ago and I chose that word, “haunted” very carefully. These words are persistently in my mind. It seems they are running in the background of every waking moment. They are after all, precisely in line with what our Savior taught. I do try to live my life with this view in mind, though I also fail at it often. Too often.

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

C. Klingle