Curtis Klingle

“I pay your salary.”

(a bit of satire folks)

I cannot but shake my head and chuckle when I hear someone exclaim, “I pay your salary.” This statement is most prevalent when someone wants to express their dismay with law enforcement or demand personal attention. I have found that in the former case, most of these people are just generally unhappy and are under the illusion that public servants are among those that MUST listen to their disgruntled opinions. In the latter case, the demanding person typically fits very nicely into a similar category to that of the spoiled and fractious child.

I have heard this statement often and it came to me today, that I should try to pen something to educate those who use the phrase, “I pay your salary,” and the subsequent repercussions. For every action there is a reaction. It is my hope to illuminate their minds and guide them into understanding. In order to make my point, I did some rough calculations to address the “I pay your salary” statement. This computation was conducted in order to determine exactly how much of my salary one actually does in fact pay, resulting in an amount of “time” one might be entitled to. Please understand that I was extremely generous on the side of the taxpayer. Also bear in mind that the silent majority of taxpayers actually never “cash in” their time, which I will shortly explain, and it is usually the noisy few that consume the lion’s share of the law enforcement officer’s time. To the “silent majority” I, and all employed in this field are indebted to you for exercising the grey matter that our Creator has endowed you with. You really are a breath of fresh air to what we normally experience. For those that do not pay taxes here, or are among the less than savory populace, i.e., methheads, miscreants, or just general mooches, you are allotted no time whatsoever because you do not contribute to my salary. However, I will gladly “give” you my time in order to lock your sorry arse up at every opportunity. To the majority, I apologize for the slight digression.

If I have figured it right, and these figures could be wrong as my PhD is in bovine scatology, (math not being my forte) each taxpayer within this jurisdiction is entitled to approximately 9.3 minutes of my time annually. Should you decide to “spend” your allotted time, I have included a few stipulations that you will need to adhere to in order to obtain your full 9.3 minutes, so please pay close attention.

If at any time during your address to me, you include the afore-mentioned declaration of, “I pay your salary” there will be an automatic 20% reduction in the allotted time, thereby lowering your 9.3 minutes to 7.44. It is a stupid and redundant comment; those in government service are well aware of who pays their salaries.

Should your address consist of nothing more than mindless complaints, then your allotted time will be reduced again by 20%, giving you a remaining 5.9 minutes. I am a Texas Peace Officer, not the complaint department. You can take all of your issues starting with your disdain for the state of our world, to the current rash in your nether regions to someone else. I am not a world leader, nor do I have any control over your promiscuity. In short, it isn’t my department sunshine.

If you use foul language during our conversation another 20% will be deducted, resulting in 4.76 minutes. While this seems to be the norm in our society, I don’t care to hear it, and especially not when those colorful expletives are directed at me. I personally prefer to use more skillful language when attempting to convey my frustrations or disdain for another. If you need me to translate, you may very well be part of the problem.

And if at any time during my responses to your queries you decide to interrupt me, your time will be reduced by 50%. You may think this exorbitant, but I will explain. Let us recall that you came to me with your issue, not the reverse, and for you to interrupt when I am trying my level best to assist you, well, it’s just plain rude. You now have 2.38 remaining minutes. Of course, by now with your interruption, usage of foul language, incessant complaining, and your initial declaration, you are now out of time, thereby resulting in me disconnecting the call (hanging up on you) or just turning and walking away.

Keep in mind that just because you are dealing with a “public servant” this does not mean that some special privileges were conferred upon YOU, especially one that requires that I have to put up with any of your nonsense. Yes, you do pay a percentage of my salary, but as you can now discern, it is a very small amount. Therefore, it would be prudent, though it will likely be difficult, and possibly even painful for you at first to use the grey matter that our Creator has also given you, but you must do so if you want to receive that full 9.3 minutes of my salary that “you pay” for.

C. Klingle